


Our Decisions Define Us

by NerdyGeiszler (Dr_Newton_Geiszler)



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: M/M, Post canon, some language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-06
Updated: 2014-06-06
Packaged: 2018-02-03 16:19:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1750937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dr_Newton_Geiszler/pseuds/NerdyGeiszler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been 3 years since Newt and Hermann last spoke. A chance meeting in a bar has them both questioning many of the decisions they've made about their lives, and about each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our Decisions Define Us

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This was a tough process, but an enjoyable one! I hope you enjoy it!

_I should go see him_ , a slightly intoxicated Newton Geiszler told himself from his perch on a stool at the bar of a dark pub in London. He had been in the city for a few days working as a guest lecturer at local university and had spent every single one of those days thinking about the fact that for the first time in 3 years, Hermann Gottlieb was just a train ride away from him. He was so close.... It seemed amazing to  him, that 3 fucking  years had passed since Newt had stopped trying to get Hermann to just… talk to him, just reply to him one goddamn time and he still wasn’t over it. The final words that Hermann had spoken to him filled his head more often than he’d care to admit. They spun around in his mind until he couldn’t take it anymore and he felt like he just wanted to scream:

 

_Please Newton, we were lab partners. Why would you think I would want to spend any_ _more time around you? Wasn’t being stuck in this lab with you enough? Mein gott, honestly,_ _I’m relieved I won’t have to deal with the constant migraine that I am forced to suffer whenever I in your company. Now would you kindly_ _leave me alone to pack my things._

 

      Newt tried to shake the memory out of his head, but as usual,  it didn’t work, so he just took another swig of whiskey and groaned. I really shouldn’t go visit him. It only took about  another twenty minutes of constant alcohol consumption for his internal debate of _should I or shouldn’t I_ to turn into a drunken blur of _am I really that bad?_ And _man, fuck that guy seriously. I don’t need him. I’m freaking great_ and _jesus Christ,  why should I even care about any of this… about him at all when he doesn’t?_

 

      It must have been past 10 o’clock when Newt finally reached the conclusion  that it didn’t even matter what he was thinking. He was a freakin’ mess and besides, No way was he going to go out of his way to see that asshole when he had made his stance perfectly clear. Besides, what would he even say? It wasn’t as though he could just walk up to the man in the middle of the night, drop to his knees and beg Hermann to just say _something_ to him. To acknowledge him in some way. He couldn’t even admit to himself that he missed the smell of chalk and the sound of Hermann’s shoes flapping as he walked, Newt muffled a laugh. That man couldn’t dress himself if his life depended it,  He was a tall, skinny, awkward jerk with a bad haircut and 10 of the same sweater vest and _shit Newt missed him so much_. There was no way in hell that he could ever admit any of that to Hermann.

 

      Newt was starting to feel as though he should probably leave and head back to his hotel room. He was getting too drunk and too depressed. Just as he was about to ask the bartender how much his bill was, a loud, strained laugh coming from the door of the pub startled Newt out of his thoughts and caused him to fling himself around on his stool to face the door. No. No freaking way. Not  here. This was absolutely not happening, he thought to himself. _Hermann fucking Gottlieb had not just walked into the fucking bar._

 

      Oh, but he had. He was with 2 other men, who looked as though they were probably also professors. It was clear that they had already been drinking. Hermann was stumbling quite a bit and it looked like he a a considerable amount more drunk than the other 2 men. Clearly, he didn’t want to be there at all. Minus the wobbling, he was almost exactly as Newt remembered him. He was wearing the same stupid sweater vest and the same stupid shoes as he wore every day when they were lab partners. He still had the same stupid hair cut and the same stupid round glasses that made his head look tiny whenever he wore them. He still had the same thin lips that Newt used to stare at when he was supposed to be taking a break from dissection and the same big ears that made Newt call him Dumbo the first time they met.(Hermann had seemed legitimately offended by the comment. Newt had never said anything about Hermann’s ears again.) and Newts heart ached with the sudden rush of memories seeing that man again in person brought up and it took all his strength (and his fear of confrontation) to make him stop staring.

 

      Newt quickly turned around, slipped his jacket back on and put his head town. There was no way he could possibly face Hermann now, not while he was this sloshed, so hiding was a perfectly reasonable thing to do, right? Right. Now cowardly at all just… wise. For the slowest passing half an hour of his entire life, Newt sat passively, stealing glances at Hermann out of the corner of his eye until he heard a loud shuffling of shoes from behind him. Hermann was leaving. Newt chugged the rest of his drink and swayed on the spot. He could feel himself beginning to lose what little awareness he had left and he made a decision that he would almost certainly regret as he stood up and turned to face his old lab partner, who appeared to be way more sloshed than he was when he had seen him walk in.

 

      “Yo! Gottlieb!” He yelled, with a heavy slur across the bar.Even when drunk as hell, there was no way Hermann could mistake that voice. He stopped dead in his tracks before motioning for his companions to leave without him and then turning on his heel to face the source of the yell.  A look of pure horror like Newt had never seen on him before crossed his face upon seeing an obviously drunk Newt Geiszler standing there staring at him. Newt took a step forward, towards the other man and then suddenly everything dissolved into a blurry darkness.

                                                                                                 

                                                                                                0o0o0

 

      A dull throbbing pain in his head is what woke Newt up the next morning. _Shit, what the hell…?_

      He remembered being at the bar and then… then shit, Hermann had shown up, out of fucking nowhere. and then… then  nothing. At all. He vaguely remembered making the decision to stand up and say something to Hermann, but he wasn’t sure if any of that had actually happened or if he had just thought about saying something, or what had  really happened there. His train of thought was shoved off it’s tracks when he felt a set of long, thin fingers making their way through his hair, accompanied by a soft hum of some German opera that Newt vaguely remembered from his childhood. It sounded just like… but it couldn’t be… Heart pounding, he opened his eyes and his worst fear was confirmed. Laying there, next to him in a bed in his hotel room was none other than his ex lab partner. His eyes were open and looking right at Newt as he stroked his hair softly. They looked sad… but Newt’s confused and surprised mind didn’t allow him to dwell on that. He flung himself sideways, away from Hermann with a grunt. His head fucking _hurt_.

 

      Hermann seemed extremely surprised by Newts reaction, which was honestly the most puzzling thing about the whole situation. What right did he have to be surprised? He’d been staring at at Newt for god only knows how long, and he was actually surprised that Newt was freaked out by it. _What the hell?_

 

      "What on earth is the  matter, Newton?" He said gently as he attempted to reach over and knot his hand through his hair again. "You've never acted like this before..." _What?!_ What the fuck was  he talking about! Also, was this mans head made of fucking steel? He didn’t seem to be in any pain at all _._ Newt opened his mouth to say something but just Hermann silenced him by scooting over and kissing him on the forehead. "Would you please just... stop... Please? These dreams are rarely this vivid, and I want to savor it. "

 

      "D-dreams?" Newt stuttered “Hermann, are you still drunk?” That would explain his frankly, amazing lack of a hangover, Newt thought briefly “What the hell are you talking about?” Newt was fucking lost.

 

      “Hush now, Newton, please. What else could this be but a dream?” Hermann closed his sad looking eyes and let out a sigh.

 

      “Is this a dream you have very… often?”

 

      “Yes, quite often, actually. More than I would ever care to admit to anyone in anything but in a dream… One would think that ones subconscious would know a thing like that. Why must you be like this tonight? It’s really very unfair, it was a long day.”

 

 _Holy shit_ , this was a thing that happened often? Hermann Gottlieb had dreams about waking up in bed with Newton Geiszler. No part of this made any bit of sense at all. All this shit was just making Newts head hurt and if it wasn’t for the hangover, he would have been freaking positive that he was dreaming himself.

 

      “But...you… hate me though?” Newt said. It was more of a question than a statement. “You told me, last time we saw each other! You might as well just have come right out and said it! You made it pretty damn clear you never wanted to see me again, man.”

 

      “Don’t be an idiot, Newton. Of course I don’t hate you, and I really don’t feel like discussing this, these dreams are meant to be relaxing. Can we please just go back to…” Hermann moved a bit closer and opened up his arms, trying to get Newt to scoot back into his grip. “Please?”

 

      Hermann looked absolutely desperate and before he had opened his arms, honestly Newt was really close to just giving in. It tore at his heart strings to see Hermann look so upset, even when he was pissed at him, But, when his arms went up, the blanket went down and Newt noticed something he hadn’t noticed at first glance.   _Hermann  wasn't wearing any clothes._

 

      The blanket had been for the most part, covering him for the entirety of the conversation, so he hadn’t put it together before and then Newt looked down and shit. He was naked, too. Of course. Of course this was happening. He couldn’t have just one fucking day where nothing went to shit. This was bad.

 

 _Woah Calm down, dude_ Newt thought to himself. Maybe you just… took them off on the way into bed. Maybe nothing happened.

 

Oh, who the hell was he trying to kid, something had totally happened and he was pissed that Hermann was able to be this calm and blissed out about it. It was time to slap some sense into him.

 

      “Alright Hermann, I don’t know what the fuck you think is going on, man, but this isn’t a friggin’ dream. Got that? Now how about you get your head out of your ass and help me figure out what the hell happened last night. We both seem to be naked, and I’m pretty fucking curious about that.” Hermann looked as though he’d been punched in the gut, but he remained silent. Newt sat up, letting the blanket fall off of his torso and crossed his arms with a huff and finally finally after what seemed like a hundred years Hermann opened his mouth again.

 

      “You didn’t have that last time I saw you…” He said, indicating a vibrant light blue tattoo that spanned from the top of Newts spine, up to the back of his neck and around the right side.

 

      “Yeah… I got it finished about a year ago. It’s Otachi’s tongue. Never forget the things that try to kill you, right?“ Newt said with a slightly panicked laugh.

 

      “Newton I-… I’ve never seen that tattoo before… why on earth would you have it in this dream, but in none of the others?”

 

      “Probably because this isn’t a dream, Herms. I’m the real deal!” The rage brought on by confusion was getting hard to control. Who cared if Newt got a little aggressive, Hermann had no fucking right to be upset, Newt thought to himself. If anyone had the right to be upset, it was him!

 

      Realization dawned on Hermann along with a look of absolute shock only paralleled to the one he had seen on the man the night before.

 

      “You’re real.” His voice cracked and was so quiet, Newt nearly missed it. He couldn’t think of anything he could say to that, it was so ridiculous to Newt that Hermann couldn't tell the difference between dreams and reality. “You’re actually… no, you can’t be here… You’re- you’re in another country! You’re in America! This has to be a dream, there is no other explanation! Why would you be here in  my…hotel…room….” Hermann’s voice trailed off as he realized that he was not, in fact in his own room like he’d previously thought. The room was immensely more cluttered than any room that Hermann would have been staying in. Newt shook his head and reached into his bedside table and took out a small bottle of pills. Thank God I drink often enough to always have a pack of these. He popped 2 pills and leaned against the headboard, rubbing his temples tenderly and trying to will his hangover away

 

      “Yeah, smart one” He nearly groaned. “This is my room, can you get yourself together like, now, man?  Do you need more proof?  Can we please just… figure this out so you can leave? Just… please? I can’t be around you,  dude. I just… can’t.”

 

_“Someday love will find you. Break those chains that bind you. One night will remind you, How we touched, and went our separate ways.”_

 

      _“Shit_ …” Newt muttered. His eyes  followed the sound of his ringtone and realized his phone was in the pocket of the pants he had been wearing the night before, which thankfully were right next to the bed, so he only had to reach down. “Yeah? Yeah… I’m sorry, man. I am… Alright, alright. Look, I’ll make it to the afternoon lecture, okay? Yeah. It’s been a rough morning… yeah. Thanks a million for covering for me. Just give me like, an hour. I’ll be there, I swear.” Newt took a deep breath and tossed his phone back onto the pants that were still lying on the floor of the hotel room. “I missed a meeting. Great. Awesome. “

 

      “M..meeting?” Hermann stuttered.

 

      “Yes… I’m here for work, why the hell else would I just be in London?”

 

      “Oh, good lord. You really are here. Oh my… erm.. I- that is to say.. Let me apologize sincerely, Newton. This is terribly awkward…I should… just… I mean, I should…” Hermann began scrambling around. He untucked the sheet from the side of the bed and wrapped it around himself more completely. “I need to get out of here immediately…”

 

      “That’s funny”, Newt said fiercely. “You don’t get to just leave like that. No, we are figuring this out.” Hermann laid back down and pulled the covers up to his neck and closed his eyes.

 

      “A-Alright. If we must.” He said quietly. His voice was shaking and he sound like he would rather being doing literally anything else but this, but even in this embarrassing situation the bastard was still trying to hold his chin up and god, even when he was terrified he looked kind of cocky and that only pissed Newt off more. 

 

      “Do you remember anything from last night?”

 

      “No.”

 

      “That’s just fucking magnificent. You want to explain to me why you apparently have dreams all the damn time that made this morning seem perfectly normal to you. You want to explain that?” Hermann sunk even deeper into himself and averted his eyes completely.

 

      “Not particularly…”

 

      “Well too bad, you’re going to.”

 

      Hermann seemed to realize that there was no way that he was going to be able to get out of this one, Newt was rather insistent. He cleared his throat and tried to muster up as much confidence as he could and said “I dream about us constantly.” It was clear he was trying to keep his voice from breaking completely, and it clearly wasn’t working very well.

 

      “Meaning?” Newt no longer sounded menacing, just confused.

 

      “M-meaning, I frequently… see things such as this…. In my sleep. Us… you and I… together.”

 

      Newt wasn’t sure exactly what it was that he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t that.

 

      “You… dream about… but… look man, that doesn't even make sense. You hate me! I don’t care what you said early to what you thought was a dream version of me. Clearly you feel guilty, but that doesn’t change what you said. You devastated me, man!”

 

      Hermann suddenly stopped looking embarrassed and adopted a look that seemed a lot more like shame.

 

      “Yes, I suppose I do owe you a full explanation for that… I do apologize for that. I never hated you. You must know that…Why do you think I said all those awful things to you the last time we spoke?”

 

      “…Because you’re a dick? What’s your point.”

 

      “No! I mean… well, yes, it was terrible of me, but no. “

 

      “Well then?” Newt responded, eyebrow raised.

 

      “I’ve been battering myself down about what I did to you for years, Newton, years. It’s just… I knew you were going back to MIT and I was going back to Cambridge and… I  couldn't bring myself to be your friend. “

 

      “Right, yeah. Couldn't be my friend. That makes me feel so much better about this whole thi-“

 

      “Please!” Hermann interrupted. “Just… let me finish.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “I couldn’t… just be your friend. I thought it would be much easier for the both of us if we just…cut ties completely.”

 

      A moment of silence, then Newt completely burst.

 

“Are you a _complete MORON_. _What the HELL_ Hermann! You didn’t think we  should have, I dunno, _TALKED ABOUT THAT?!_ You know, if you had given me like, two seconds none of this would have happened, you absolute _IDIOT!_ ” Hermann appeared to be speechless, so Newt just continued. “You should have let me talk! Do you know what I was trying to say when you interrupted me?” Sill nothing. “I was on my way in to tell you that I was planning on _accepting a job in London_! I didn’t end up taking it, since I thought you hated me and all…”

 

      “Newton, I…”

 

      “No! I don’t want to hear it. I don’t! You shouldn’t have gotten all high and mighty and made this decision for me! These two years have been hell for me. Do you know how hard it’s been without you?”

 

      Thin long fingers let go of the sheet that they had been clinging to and made their way to Newts face.

 

“It’s been just as hard without you, Newton…”

 

      Suddenly the biologist found himself far more tempted to listen to what was being said to him.

 

      “Erm… You… what?” Hermann seemed to realize what he was doing and abruptly cleared his throat.

 

      “I should go...” The mathematician made a scramble for the edge of the bed, but

 

      Newt managed to grab his arm and stop him from leaving the bed.

 

      “No… You should stay. We should…” Newt made a pained expression “Talk about it? Probably. Yeah. We should talk about this.”

 

      Hermann looked distinctly uncomfortable and squirmed a bit, but nevertheless he settled back into a semi comfortable position and said nothing. Clearly he was waiting for Newt to make the first  move but he couldn’t think of anything to say so for a moment, one painstakingly long moment, they just sat there, staring at their hands, neither knowing what to do. After what seemed like a small eternity Newt spoke up.

 

      “Do you think we had sex?”

 

      “I don’t know.”

 

      “What would you rather…”

 

      “I don’t know.” Newt should have known Hermann wouldn’t be particularly helpful in a situation like this.

 

      “I don’t feel sore or sticky or anything, and I doubt drunk us would have had the sense to shower off, so I’m gonna go with a hesitant no, is that alright man? Like, does that make sense?” Hermann nodded his head and looked down to stare intently at his hands, which had remained firmly clasped into fists for the entirety of Newts theorizing. “Though,  I’m still curious as to what exactly you meant by “I don’t know” What do you mean you don’t know? You aren’t sure if you would have rather you had sloppy drunk sex with your old lab partner?! What the hell, man?”

 

      “It would have been _something!_ ” Hermann shouted. Newt was extremely taken aback.

 

      “What?”

      “It… it would have been something.”

 

      “Yeah. I heard that part, care to, I don’t know, explain maybe? I’d love to hear what the hell you mean.”

 

      “Newton, I think I’ve already made my position quite clear. I reiterate. I couldn’t just… be your friend.”

 

      “Yeah Hermann, I got that. You’re doing a really shitty job lettin’ me know what you mean by that”

 

      “Do I have to spell it out for you?”

 

      “Yes. Absolutely.”

 

      “You’re an idiot.”

 

      “Right. Yeah, okay.”

 

      Hermann let out a frustrated breath and pinched the bridge of his nose.

 

      “That’s not what I meant and you know it. I never anticipated having to have this conversation with you.”

 

      “You’re stalling, dude. Just spit it out before I turn 80, just c’mo-” Newt’s sentence was cut short when he felt thin chapped lips moving against his. He couldn’t lie and say that he hadn’t kind of been expecting Hermann had meant something like this, but he still couldn’t even begin to process the fact that Hermann fucking Gottlieb had initiated a kiss with him.

 

      Meanwhile, while Newt was striving to accept Hermann’s actions as reality, the mathematician had realized that Newt wasn’t kissing him back. He was completely still and so Hermann ultimately came to the conclusion that his actions weren’t welcome and he backed off.

 

      “I am so, so sorry, Newton, that was completel-” It was Hermann’s turn to be interrupted. As soon as Newt realized that Hermann’s lips were gone, he grabbed the other man by his shoulders and pulled him back in, this time making sure to actively kiss him back. After a few moments of bliss, he felt a soft thin hand gently pushing on his chest.

 

      “You were right. We should talk about this before continuing.”

 

      Silence.

     

      Newt laid his head down on his pillow and groaned. “I have no idea what to say to you, man. I’ve been in love with you for like, years? I still have all the emails we sent back and forth before we met and sometimes I get drunk and read them over and over again, and I was willing to follow you to fucking England instead of going back to MIT and I’ve spent the past couple of years trying to figure out exactly why you hated me so much, and I kind of started hating myself a little because you were right. I am annoying, I don’t have any friends and I just…I miss you, but I kind of hate you a little and I hide in my apartment because I don’t want to get close to anyone...” he let out a frustrated cry and ran his fingers through his hair somewhat violently. Newt, in all honestly, had the emotional stability of a child, a fact that he was well aware of. He was saying too much and getting to upset and frustrated and he didn’t want to scare Hermann away so he took a deep, shaky breath and stopped talking. Before he had the chance to calm down fully, he felt a hand sweep through his hair.

 

      “I’m sorry.”

 

      Newt nodded and turned onto his side, still trying to calm down. “S’fine, man…”

 

      “It’s not.”

 

      “No, well. It happened.” Newt shrugged and made an attempt to sit up and face Hermann face to face.

 

      “I hope you are fully aware that If I’d have known I would see you again… I never would have said any of those things to you, Newton. It was a dreadful decision and I was selfishly trying to protect myself from the pain of having to keep you at a distance. I don’t think I would have been able to take continuing to speak to you, but not being able to see you. It would have been too painful for me, so I decided to be selfish and hurt you so you would stay away.”

 

      Newt wanted to hit Hermann for being so stupid, but he didn’t. He opened his arms and wrapped them around the other man tightly. He struggled to find the words to say to express to Hermann exactly how he was feeling. First off, he was frustrated that Hermann hadn’t ever given him the chance to speak his mind. Second, his heart felt like it was literally going to burst because Hermann fucking Gottlieb wanted him. No one had ever wanted him before. Sure, he’d had flings (if you could even call them that), but never anything serious. Honestly, when it came to things of this nature, he would take whatever he could get from just about anyone. He wanted to yell and hit Hermann and kiss every inch of him and squeeze him until neither of them could breath but he didn’t do any of those things. He loosened his grip and took a breath.

 

      “You should know… I- I feel very fondly towards you as well, in the romantic sense” Hermann’s voice sounded small and less like Hermann than he had ever sounded.  

 

      Newt laughed and shook his head. Of course that’s the way Hermann would word something like that, he huge nerd.

 

      “So, what do you want to do about this, Herms?  I love you, you love me, we’re both idiots, but mostly you and I think that covers just about everything. That good with you? “ Hermann nodded and shifted his body a bit.

 

      “Yes, I suppose that’s fine with  me… Though I don’t understand how you could forgive me after I was so cruel to you.”

 

      “I’m very forgiving, Herms. It's  just yet another one of my amazing  qualities. What should we do about this thing, then? I mean between us. Are we like, a couple now? Because I live in another country and I feel like that would become a problem at some point.”  

 

      “I only have a year by year contract with Cambridge… If that means anything to you. I mean, I know you wouldn’t like it here very much… and MIT doesn't seem like a bad place to work. I feel like I owe it to you, Newton. It is my fault we are in this mess.”

 

      Holy shit, Newt was almost positive that he was dreaming now. Hermann was going to follow him. There was no way he could let him do that. Hermann loved working at Cambridge and Newt wasn’t going to make him leave just because he felt like a jerk.

 

      “Hermann… Just because you feel bad doesn’t mean you should drop everything just for me.”

 

      “It isn’t just for you, Newton. I’ve grown tired of Cambridge anyhow. After working for the PPDC for so long, it’s been hard adjusting to my normal life again. It would be nice to be around someone who went through the same experience.”

 

      Newt totally understood what he meant. Sure, he’d made a couple of friends over the years but none of them stayed around very long and none of them could possibly have comprehended what it was like during the last days of the war. He still had nightmares all the time. He relived that horrible night in Hong Kong over and over again, the first couple of weeks afterwards he would stay awake for days until his body couldn’t take it and he passed out. If this is what Hermann really wanted, then Newt wasn’t going to argue with him.

 

      “I understand.”  There was a moment of silence before Newt noticed what time the clock on the nightstand read. “Oh shit, I have to go Herms. I have a lecture in like, 20 minutes.” He jumped out of bed and wobbled around the room until he found everything he would need for the day.

“If you want to… I dunno, stick around town until I get back? I know you still have to go back for the next couple of months, but yeah. I want to see you again before I leave. So, yeah. Lets do something tonight. Dinner. Something, yeah?”

 

      Hermann smiled and nodded. “I will absolutely stay in town until you return. Dinner sounds lovely.”

     

      They still had a lot that they needed to talk to each other about, especially if Hermann was serious about moving to America when the year was out, but that was the last thing on Newts mind as he grabbed his wallet and kissed the exhausted looking mathematician that was still laying in his bed.

 

**1 year later**

      Living in the same house as Hermann took quite a bit of adjusting. Adjusting and hard work.They argued frequently, insulted each other got on each others last nerve each and every day. They also kissed every 5 minutes at least, got a dog (They had quite a time figuring out what to name it. Once they had narrowed it down to ‘something Star Trek’ Hermann had insisted on Spock, while Newt was gunning for Kirk. They compromised and named it Scotty because Newt's alternate name was Mccoy and _Mccoy is a Idiotic name for a dog, as is Bones_! Hermann had said.) Said they hated each other, had lots of make up sex, said they loved each other and even though It wasn’t perfect, neither of them had ever been so happy in their entire lives.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, guys! I hope you enjoyed it! I can't wait to do this again!


End file.
